Monday, March 13, 2006
The Codependency Tree
A commenter on Hugo's blog says:
"I didn't whine about "Not having any "me" time" or "MY" goals, or what "I" would rather do. A good parent - the only people fit to be parents - get the "me" out of it, and put their kids at A-Numero-Uno priority, bar none.
And until people can do that, frankly, the world is better off that they don't breed. Show me a dysfunctional child, and I'll show you one which has to at least compete for being top priority in their parent's lives."
I thought codependency between children and parents was a bad thing. As a matter of fact, most of the jerky people I know in this world show no sign of the knowledge that their parents don't exist solely for their benefit, to enable them to do whatever dimwitted idea pops up next, and to rescue them from any negative consequences of their actions. I'll never forget when a teacher I once knew taped her students cussing at the teacher and other students, and when presented with the tapes, the parents of the children denied that the voices belonged to their children. I happen to know two of those children got into big big trouble (criminal type) later on and were bailed out of that too, with no time spent in jail or anything.
It's okay to consider your family your highest priority. But when kids understand that their parents will set aside anything at all, including moral convictions, in order to make them happy, that produces jerkiness. There is a place for balance, and I think they need to hear that their parents can't drop everything at any moment for them because parents have emotional, spiritual, and physical needs too.
See my previous post for a similar theme.
"I didn't whine about "Not having any "me" time" or "MY" goals, or what "I" would rather do. A good parent - the only people fit to be parents - get the "me" out of it, and put their kids at A-Numero-Uno priority, bar none.
And until people can do that, frankly, the world is better off that they don't breed. Show me a dysfunctional child, and I'll show you one which has to at least compete for being top priority in their parent's lives."
I thought codependency between children and parents was a bad thing. As a matter of fact, most of the jerky people I know in this world show no sign of the knowledge that their parents don't exist solely for their benefit, to enable them to do whatever dimwitted idea pops up next, and to rescue them from any negative consequences of their actions. I'll never forget when a teacher I once knew taped her students cussing at the teacher and other students, and when presented with the tapes, the parents of the children denied that the voices belonged to their children. I happen to know two of those children got into big big trouble (criminal type) later on and were bailed out of that too, with no time spent in jail or anything.
It's okay to consider your family your highest priority. But when kids understand that their parents will set aside anything at all, including moral convictions, in order to make them happy, that produces jerkiness. There is a place for balance, and I think they need to hear that their parents can't drop everything at any moment for them because parents have emotional, spiritual, and physical needs too.
See my previous post for a similar theme.
Comments:
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Hey -
I was wondering if you could talk via email about your decision to go to Candler (did you apply to/want to go to other schools?) and how it is to be a UU there. I've come down to the final week or so of making a decision.
Scott
I was wondering if you could talk via email about your decision to go to Candler (did you apply to/want to go to other schools?) and how it is to be a UU there. I've come down to the final week or so of making a decision.
Scott
Hey Scott,
Well, as the example above illustrates, they talk about things like gender and race and sexuality in relation to religion instead of pretending that they don't matter. I visited and attended a few classes and talked to folks and that was a primary impression I came away with. Also, there is a strong commitment to community service. All MDiv 1st Years do a Contextual Education placement in a community agency or organization. Some are healthcare types like hospitals and nursing homes but there are also prisons, homeless shelters, food ministries, etc. I believe that religious engagement means nothing without praxis in community so this was also key. They also have an active Social Concerns Network that I am now quite involved in that takes on issues such as fair trade and Walmart, torture and racism, etc. They also have a community garden I have been helping with. The student housing is Theology School only, and so is a fabulous community to be a part of. I have never felt the kind of community and connectedness as I do here. The school has an active GLBT advocacy organization and people of all sexualities are represented in the student leadership at Candler. There is a strong woman's initiative here as well as an active Black Church Studies program. All the things you can see on the website are here and more.
Why should you choose Candler? Harder question. The school is obviously Christian oriented and there are only a few UUs around. As a very progressive Christian who is also a Universalist, I am comfortable. I'm not sure if you would be because I don't know you. You can check out the MDiv requirements on the web, though, so I'm guessing you're aware of all that. I wish I could tell you more about how the other UUs are doing but I don't want to speak for them, as we are all just getting to know eachother but do speak when we see eachother and all seem to be getting along okay. I recently started a UU room on the Theology School bulletin board but it is not seeing too much traffic yet.
Hope that helps. If you leave an email address or some way I can email you, I will send you a copy of my most recent Candler Chronicle, a weekly email that informs us of all that is going on.
Good luck with your decision,
Anna
Well, as the example above illustrates, they talk about things like gender and race and sexuality in relation to religion instead of pretending that they don't matter. I visited and attended a few classes and talked to folks and that was a primary impression I came away with. Also, there is a strong commitment to community service. All MDiv 1st Years do a Contextual Education placement in a community agency or organization. Some are healthcare types like hospitals and nursing homes but there are also prisons, homeless shelters, food ministries, etc. I believe that religious engagement means nothing without praxis in community so this was also key. They also have an active Social Concerns Network that I am now quite involved in that takes on issues such as fair trade and Walmart, torture and racism, etc. They also have a community garden I have been helping with. The student housing is Theology School only, and so is a fabulous community to be a part of. I have never felt the kind of community and connectedness as I do here. The school has an active GLBT advocacy organization and people of all sexualities are represented in the student leadership at Candler. There is a strong woman's initiative here as well as an active Black Church Studies program. All the things you can see on the website are here and more.
Why should you choose Candler? Harder question. The school is obviously Christian oriented and there are only a few UUs around. As a very progressive Christian who is also a Universalist, I am comfortable. I'm not sure if you would be because I don't know you. You can check out the MDiv requirements on the web, though, so I'm guessing you're aware of all that. I wish I could tell you more about how the other UUs are doing but I don't want to speak for them, as we are all just getting to know eachother but do speak when we see eachother and all seem to be getting along okay. I recently started a UU room on the Theology School bulletin board but it is not seeing too much traffic yet.
Hope that helps. If you leave an email address or some way I can email you, I will send you a copy of my most recent Candler Chronicle, a weekly email that informs us of all that is going on.
Good luck with your decision,
Anna
Also, it's hooked to Emory, which means some really amazing stuff, academic and extracurricular, is at your disposal. I also wanted to say if you leave your email in a comment here I will delete the comment as soon as I get the address if you have concerns about your email being spammed, etc.
Anna
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Anna
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