Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Crazy Hypochondriac Girl
Originally posted on May 24, 2004
In other news, I was really scared I had some dread disease because my doctor
ordered some extra blood tests last time I went but it turns out I am just fine.
I am the worst hypochondriac.
I try to make jokes about it, like "Ha ha, I probably have the black plague, no
bubonic actually, no I think it's really dengue fever, hee hee snort," to hide
the sniveling weenie I truly am whenever my doctor says "hmmm". So I used to
avoid the doctor except in an emergency. But now I'm all married and so I figure
I should be more responsible, yada yada yada. I tell ya, secretly, I wanted to
pretend I didn't get the message about repeating the blood work and just take
off to Mexico or somewhere and live it up, and if I died, well, at least I
wouldn't be worried all the time until it happened. I'm glad I didn't. It's nice
to know you're well. I even did a little dance after I got off the phone with
the doctor.
One thing about this whole situation worried me the most. For years after I got
kind of sidetracked from one set of plans I had toward the end of college, I
just stopped making plans altogether. I just went with the flow, afraid to get
to invested in any desired outcome, just in case everything fell apart again.
Only recently, within the safety of this amazing marriage, I find myself
dreaming again, planning to go to seminary, to move to Atlanta, to maybe buy a
house, get some Ikea, possibly have a kid somewhere down the line, etc. etc. And
I really thought when I found out I might be sick, "Well, that's what you get
for dreaming." I don't ever want to give up on dreaming now that I've found it
again, but somewhere in my subconscious mind, I guess I think I don't deserve to
dream. I've really got to work on that before I sabotage myself somehow.
I also really had the chance to get inside some of my theology, like how I
believe that God won't heal one particular fellow because he prays about it.
What does that say about all the other people who prayed and weren't healed?
That they suck?
So I've always thought we should pray for the grace to handle our situation
whatever it may be, and use our trials as opportunities to get closer to God. Ha
ha! I've never prayed so hard not to be sick in my life. How can I pray
something I don't believe? I have no idea. Maybe it's like singing hymns. At the
Methodist church near my parents' place in Florida, we sang "Victory in Jesus".
That's totally not how I see atonement theory..."He plunged me to victory
beneath the cleansing flood". Eeeew. But I was singing louder than everybody, it
was great. We all started clapping, and sang a capella, and really had an old
time Cokesbury hymnal campmeeting kind of sound. It rocked. I got chills.
Sometimes hymns and prayers that bear no resemblance to theology that I can
accept intellectually turn out to be the things that bring me closer to God on
an emotional level. That is a mystery of faith, if there ever was one.
In other news, I was really scared I had some dread disease because my doctor
ordered some extra blood tests last time I went but it turns out I am just fine.
I am the worst hypochondriac.
I try to make jokes about it, like "Ha ha, I probably have the black plague, no
bubonic actually, no I think it's really dengue fever, hee hee snort," to hide
the sniveling weenie I truly am whenever my doctor says "hmmm". So I used to
avoid the doctor except in an emergency. But now I'm all married and so I figure
I should be more responsible, yada yada yada. I tell ya, secretly, I wanted to
pretend I didn't get the message about repeating the blood work and just take
off to Mexico or somewhere and live it up, and if I died, well, at least I
wouldn't be worried all the time until it happened. I'm glad I didn't. It's nice
to know you're well. I even did a little dance after I got off the phone with
the doctor.
One thing about this whole situation worried me the most. For years after I got
kind of sidetracked from one set of plans I had toward the end of college, I
just stopped making plans altogether. I just went with the flow, afraid to get
to invested in any desired outcome, just in case everything fell apart again.
Only recently, within the safety of this amazing marriage, I find myself
dreaming again, planning to go to seminary, to move to Atlanta, to maybe buy a
house, get some Ikea, possibly have a kid somewhere down the line, etc. etc. And
I really thought when I found out I might be sick, "Well, that's what you get
for dreaming." I don't ever want to give up on dreaming now that I've found it
again, but somewhere in my subconscious mind, I guess I think I don't deserve to
dream. I've really got to work on that before I sabotage myself somehow.
I also really had the chance to get inside some of my theology, like how I
believe that God won't heal one particular fellow because he prays about it.
What does that say about all the other people who prayed and weren't healed?
That they suck?
So I've always thought we should pray for the grace to handle our situation
whatever it may be, and use our trials as opportunities to get closer to God. Ha
ha! I've never prayed so hard not to be sick in my life. How can I pray
something I don't believe? I have no idea. Maybe it's like singing hymns. At the
Methodist church near my parents' place in Florida, we sang "Victory in Jesus".
That's totally not how I see atonement theory..."He plunged me to victory
beneath the cleansing flood". Eeeew. But I was singing louder than everybody, it
was great. We all started clapping, and sang a capella, and really had an old
time Cokesbury hymnal campmeeting kind of sound. It rocked. I got chills.
Sometimes hymns and prayers that bear no resemblance to theology that I can
accept intellectually turn out to be the things that bring me closer to God on
an emotional level. That is a mystery of faith, if there ever was one.
